Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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