and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
