There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
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