My girlfriend figured out who you are.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
