You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
