I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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