Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
