when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
