Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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