I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
