i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize