Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
my phone needs a breathalizer
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
