i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
