end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
