I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
