On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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