I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
