I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
