Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
