I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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