I faked an abortion last night.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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