I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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