I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
