I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize