i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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