Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
