she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
