um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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