My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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