The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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