Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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