Yo dont text me then not text me
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Randomize
