took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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