nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
