have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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