Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
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