Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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