I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
