he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
