She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
