I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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