theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize