"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
