the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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