Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
