just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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