textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
The dick lei will go down in squad history
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
