my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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