True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
