Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
