May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
