is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
