I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
When are your genitals available?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
