You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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