dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
