Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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