so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Randomize
