At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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