So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
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