everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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