I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
