I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
