Please, let me fuck your mom
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I can't turn off my feet"
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
